Twenty years ago this week …

… I prepped for the Pacific Crest Trail by baking boatloads of granola. Oh to be young & dunderheaded again. On that fateful week, I baked dozens of batches of appalling, inedible granola to take with me on the Pacific Crest Trail. Every time I stopped at a new trail destination, another enormous baggie  awaited me, spoiled cashews, burned oats, and all. Tehachapi? I opened up my supply box and out came a baggie of home-baked granola cinders. Kennedy Meadows? A mountain of scorched granola awaited me once again. The overwhelming bulk of it wound up in the “free pile.” So if you’re evem thinking of hiking the PCT right now, do me a favor and taste test everything before you ship it to yourself. And avoid sending perishable stuff with nuts that will turn  rancid and sour on you or buttered oats that will grow blue fuzzy stuff by…

In light of my new camping book project, here is my list of backcountry survival tips (corrected version, with new information supplied by Mossberg enthusiast.)

NEVER bring a fondue maker into the woods with you. The bread crumbs, fruit wedges, gas and molten cheese will form a white magma that will spew all over you, leaving fourth-degree burns all over your entire body. NEVER cook a meal while sitting inside your tent, even when it’s raining outside. (Trust me. Your tent will explode.) NEVER forget that “freeze-dried’’ and “chili’’ is a very bad combination. (Trust me. You will explode.) NEVER try to reason with anyone riding an All-Terrain Vehicle — especially if he or she is drunk and holding a 12-gauge Mossberg shotgun and wearing a knit cap that says “I Like Big Jugs.” NEVER try to make your girlfriend, or boyfriend, hike faster by calling out a military cadence in a fake Southern accent. (“Sound off, sound off, one, two, three, foe!”) NEVER attempt to brush your teeth in total darkness. Preparation H does…