In light of my new camping book project, here is my list of backcountry survival tips (corrected version, with new information supplied by Mossberg enthusiast.)

NEVER bring a fondue maker into the woods with you. The bread crumbs, fruit wedges, gas and molten cheese will form a white magma that will spew all over you, leaving fourth-degree burns all over your entire body. NEVER cook a meal while sitting inside your tent, even when it’s raining outside. (Trust me. Your tent will explode.) NEVER forget that “freeze-dried’’ and “chili’’ is a very bad combination. (Trust me. You will explode.) NEVER try to reason with anyone riding an All-Terrain Vehicle — especially if he or she is drunk and holding a 12-gauge Mossberg shotgun and wearing a knit cap that says “I Like Big Jugs.” NEVER try to make your girlfriend, or boyfriend, hike faster by calling out a military cadence in a fake Southern accent. (“Sound off, sound off, one, two, three, foe!”) NEVER attempt to brush your teeth in total darkness. Preparation H does…