Hawaii: mongoose, turtles and seriously chubby tourists

I just returned from a wild and crazy trip through Maui and the Big Island. It was a great, great time. I stayed in an actual yurt, ate pickled raw smelly fish, inadvertently annoyed a green sea turtle, stalked a tropical fish, snorkeled in circles and ate mahi mahi fish and chips until my brain was numb. It was an almost perfect vacation, except for the following strange things.

1. In Kona, our next door neighbors were such slobs!!! They never left their hotel room. They stocked up on stuff from Costco, including an enormous bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, which they glurped outta the bottle. Then, they decided to hang out on their balcony while watching TV. To pull off this feat, they arranged their deck chairs with their backs to the water, and turned the TV set up so loudly that it shook the whole floor. We finally called security on their sorry keisters and shut ’em down. The guy kept trying to figure out who narced him out, but security refused to reveal my identity because I didn’t want to get beaten to a bloody pulp on my vacation.

2. During an astonishing sunset on Maui, a very whiny woman came up behind me and started criticizing the sunset in front of her friends!!! It was beautiful — the orb of light slowly sinking beneath the island of Malukai — but she wasn’t satisfied. She said that quite frankly, she’d seen better sunset, and that she was “rather disappointed,” and that she was hoping that the display of light and colors would be “more varied and interesting. Really, I was hoping that it would throw up more lights in more varied patterns and have a wider palette of colors,” blah blah blah.

3. On Maui, I saw a young woman standing at sunset in a pool of turquoise-blue warm water, letting the wind mist over her as the sky turned pale gold and red. But instead of enjoying it, she was standing there, text messaging her friends!!!

4. The small “commuter” planes here are so terrifying. Don’t ride them under any circumstances. I rode on a plane that was so small, and flimsily constructed, that it looked like one of those remote control gizmos that you see down at Rancho San Antonio in Cupertino. That plane bounced through the clouds like a bucking bronco. For every moment of that ride, i could barely stifle my screams. I seriously thought we were going to meet the fate of the Big Bopper. Somehow we survived to tell the tale.


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